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ADVICE | A Young Persons Guide To Classical Music Concert Attire

By Joshua Denenberg on July 25, 2016

Hiking_in_Knee_Socks,_Sandals,_and_Cut-offs

The city of Toronto deserves a class of patrons that are more cognizant of concert decorum. Here at Ludwig Van we feel it is necessary to clarify the rules and expectations for concert dress.

General Advice

How I dress is based on how much I spent on the ticket. For a reasonably priced show, simple slacks, a button down shirt, and shoes or appropriate sneakers are a safe bet. A cheaper show, more relaxed attire such as a good, undistressed pair of jeans, and still with button down shirt (albeit more casual) or polo. A more expensive show, wear a suit. If you’re an obscure to unknown music critic writing for a blog and have a compensated ticket, a good start is brushing away the Cheeto crumbs and putting on pants. Perhaps a quick shower. In that order.

eating-on-the-couch-lazy-people

I’m terrible at giving dress advice to women. So I asked one:

“I don’t know, wear a shirt I guess. Why are you asking me this…?”

I concur with this advice. Going shirtless to a concert is usually frowned upon. The same is true for men; this is non-gender specific advice. Unless your chest is fantastic, in which case why would you ever wear a shirt? That’s just selfish.

The Opera and Ballet

This Telegraph article suggests that one should not worry about what to wear to an opera. I disagree, you should worry. Always worry. Second guess yourself. Have crippling self-doubt about your appearance and develop severe social anxiety. Don’t go. You now realise you are unfit for even a performance of Mitridate, re di Ponto performed by a high school glee club.

Opera is weird like that.

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The Symphony

Whenever I attend the symphony, I am made to feel inadequate — everyone is always better dressed than me. I used to just go in khakis and a button down, but even a suit doesn’t work anymore because half the people in attendance are in tuxedos. Now I show up dressed in French aristocratic regalia circa 17th century. This seems to have done the trick as nobody bothers me or even makes eye contact.

frenchman

Soon that jerk in seat R 19 in the orchestra will out do me, forcing me to up my game.

I’m onto you… peasant.

For New Music

Perhaps the occasion with the most diversity options. Here are some suggestions:

First, dress as utterly Brooklyn as possible. A flannel work shirt that is one size too small, jeans that are two sizes too small, and comically large framed glasses. Also, a bow tie, suspenders, a robust but well-groomed beard, occasionally a vest, cummerbund, seriously don’t dress like this you know who you are why are you willing dressing like an extra from Portlandia but and are unaware that everyone is talking about how you look like a clown.

My second, taking hints from new music style god Nico Muhly, is an oversized black tee shirt, an equally oversized robe, and dropped crotch pants that sit just above your ankles.

Muhly-Rick_Owens

Ideally, you should look like Gandalf going through his Goth phase. If you can afford Rick Owens, like Nico Muhly, I recommend wearing another person as a backpack. I’m not joking.

For Friend or Family member’s recital

Personally, I think casual clothing is fine for such an occasion. But what is more common is coming up with an arbitrary but believable excuse to stay home in your pyjamas. Because, seriously, who schedules a recital on a Tuesday afternoon?

kids-pajamas

Final Thoughts

I should give some actual advice.

Dress in a way that won’t embarrass your friends for sitting next to you. If you don’t care about embarrassing your friends, then I need to come up with something more specific.

No flip-flops or bathing attire and tank tops, unless it’s summer in Array Space because damn does Array get hot in the summer. All bets are off in that place.

That should do.

#LUDWIGVAN

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